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During one of the Dharma Talks teacher Eugene Cash quoted Suzuki Roshi (founder of the San Francisco Zen Center) on the nature of enlightenment. He said “Realization is imperfection without anxiety.”
Realization is imperfection without anxiety.
Those words struck me. They echo a theme I frequently come back to with a simplicity that I greatly admire. I’m always talking about self-compassion, and this may be the best definition I’ve heard.
Read moreI think self-esteem is over rated. Years as a therapist led me to believe that self-compassion is much more important than self-esteem. People always respond better to kindness and compassion than to harsh criticism and demands that they do better. Insisting on positive self-esteem has this implicit demand that we do better and be better. If we just try harder, we can finally feel good about ourselves. Self-compassion suggests that we take a deep breath and acknowledge that we are doing the best we can. Yes, we can do better, but this is the best we can offer in this moment. We have ample time to improve without being so harsh on ourselves.
Read moreI did a recent exercise in a meditation group – I went around the room and asked people if there were positive and negative feelings. Everyone agreed there are. After all, many of us have great difficulty accepting the so-called negative feelings – anger, sadness, grief – especially anger. We prefer “positive feelings” joy, happiness, enthusiasm.
But what if it turns out there are no positive or negative feelings. I prefer to think of feelings as pleasant or unpleasant; comfortable or uncomfortable; easy or hard. The more we can accept our feelings the easier it becomes to accept ourselves. And self-acceptance is the key to healing our wounds and feeling good about ourselves and our lives.
Read moreWhen we're excited, or stressed, we breathe faster and our breath becomes more shallow. When we are relaxed, we are actually breathing more slowly and more deeply. Often when we're stressed, there's increased chatter in the mind. People report feeling like their mind is "racing." It's like they're being flooded with thoughts. When we slow our breathing, our mind slows with it. We regain a more mindful space. We begin to relax. It's a great way to relieve stress.
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Mindfulness practice helps us see when our thought stream is taking us off the rails. We can pause, remind ourselves at any time, that what we’re thinking isn’t actually happening, take a few deep breaths and refocus on the things of the moment in front of us.
This is especially helpful if we’re experiencing difficult emotions. You can pause whatever thought train that’s telling you you’re not okay, and remind yourself you’re doing the best you can, this is just a difficult passage.
Read moreThere’s a popular misconception about meditation.
That is that we have to make our minds still, to silence the stream of thoughts that flow through our awareness and have a quiet mind. Otherwise we’re doing it wrong. This is simply not the case. It’s impossible for most people to quiet the mind. The mind generates thoughts, in the same way that the heart beats or the lungs breathe. The mind generates thoughts in the same way the the digestive system generates gastric juices so we can digest our food. Meditation is a gentleness practice.
Read moreBuddha, a fully awakened being, struggled with doubts and confusion throughout his life. And he always met them with gentle acknowledgement and kindness....Buddha teaches us to make friends with our doubts, our fears and our insecurities. Only by looking directly at these things can we heal them. For we can’t let go of what we haven’t embraced.
Read moreI have seen people reach into their deepest grief and trauma, and discover how good they are, discover their own inner compassionate Buddha, and heal their lives. Those people don't simply carry the message of healing and wholeness. They are the message.
Read moreThe art of anger is to be so angry that you can hit someone in the head, but you don’t hit anyone, or cause harm. Instead, you find a healthy way to express your anger, where nobody is harmed, including you. The art of anger is to experience it, and still make good choices - to use it as an opportunity for self-compassion.
Read moreThis essay will offer a meditation on the key line, “With our thoughts we make the world,” - to explore the kind of the world we can make - a world that can foster suffering or joy, depending on the thoughts we nurture.
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