My first career out of college was as a journalist - first in radio news, then in newspapers. Eventually I ended up spending 20 years as a journalist in Silicon Valley, writing about technology companies for the San Francisco Chronicle and other publications
I was pretty good at it - won some awards, got nominated for a Pulitzer Prize, earned the respect of the Silicon Valley establishment, was in demand as a freelance writer and marketing/media-relations consultant.
Yet I often felt like an impostor, like they were on the verge of firing me, despite copious evidence to the contrary.
I was plagued by self doubt.
I have danced with doubt off and on my whole life. I’m sure I’m not alone. Many of the questions I get as a Meditation teacher have to do with self-doubt.
Doubt is an illusion that even Buddha struggled with.
It’s one of the Five Hinderances that Buddha identified as obstacles on the path. In fact Buddha struggled with doubt before his awakening and continued to confront it throughout his time as a teacher.
One of my favorite stories about the Buddha illustrates this point.
On the cusp of his awakening, Buddha sat down under a Bodhi tree and entered a deep meditative state. Mara, the God of Illusion, didn’t want another awakened being walking in the world, teaching people to cast aside illusions and live in reality. He tried to discourage the monk from pursuing enlightenment.
For three days Buddha sat motionless under the Bodhi while Mara brought every temptation and distraction he could to bring the monk out of his deep meditative state and stop the awakening.
Finally, exhausted, Mara tried one last desperate move and hurled his strongest weapon at Buddha - self-doubt.
“What makes you think you are someone who can awaken,” Mara screamed
At that, Buddha reached down with his hand and touched the ground, as if to say, ‘just because I’m here,’ and he was awakened right in that moment.
When he opened his eyes, all of the illusions and doubts Mara had thrown at him vanished, and he saw Mara sitting in front of him. He looked right at Mara and said,
“I see you, Mara, let’s have tea.”
Rather than meet Mara with revulsion or aversion, Buddha looked right at him - saw his own struggles and doubts, as illusions, and offered gentleness and kindness. Mara disappeared.
Mara would occasionally come to Buddha again when Buddha was teaching or meditating, He would appear among the monks, skulking around at the edge of the woods, or hiding behind one of the huts.
This would frighten the monks, who would point Mara out to Buddha. But Buddha always did the same thing - he looked right at Mara and said, “I see you, Mara, let’s have tea.”
For me, the take away from this is that even Buddha, a fully awakened being, struggled with doubts and confusion throughout his life. And he always met them with gentle acknowledgement and kindness.
There are lots of stories of Buddha having to navigate doubt and confusion. And rather than getting caught up in aversion, or self-recrimination, he always responded with kindness, compassion and gentleness.
Mara represents our shadow selves - the difficult, sometimes painful, aspect of ourselves that we shy away from and avoid.
Buddha teaches us to make friends with our doubts, our fears and our insecurities. Only by looking directly at these things can we heal them. For we can’t let go of what we haven’t embraced.
Flash forward twenty five hundred years and I had an opportunity to meet with a senior Buddhist teacher at the Insight Meditation Center in California. I’m a total groupie for these people and I never pass up an opportunity for a meeting.
So when Ajahn Sundara, senior nun from Amaravati Monastery in England, came to teach and offered interviews, I signed up.
She listened patiently to my issues and doubts. Then she reminded me of Buddha and Mara.
“When you notice yourself in that struggle,” she said, “just smile and say, ‘I see you, Mara.’”
We all have doubts and occasionally wonder if we’re okay. It’s a universal struggle.
I was on a meditation retreat some years ago. I was meditating outside on a wooden deck deep in the woods of southern Washington state. It had just rained, so the forest was particularly lush, sweetly pungent and still.
And I heard this thought - “you’re screwing up, you’re doing it wrong.”
The thought startled me, because I was literally just sitting in the woods for no other reason than to just sit there. I saw that thought as an illusion that I was all too familiar with. It was like I could actually see Mara sitting in front of me, offering self-doubt and insecurity.
I remembered that meeting with Ajahn Sundara, smiled and said, “I see you, Mara. Let’s have tea.”
I invite you to do the same.