I think self-esteem is over rated. Years as a therapist led me to believe that self-compassion is much more important than self-esteem. People always respond better to kindness and compassion than to harsh criticism and demands that they do better. Insisting on positive self-esteem has this implicit demand that we do better and be better. If we just try harder, we can finally feel good about ourselves. Self-compassion suggests that we take a deep breath and acknowledge that we are doing the best we can. Yes, we can do better, but this is the best we can offer in this moment. We have ample time to improve without being so harsh on ourselves.

I did a recent exercise in a meditation group – I went around the room and asked people if there were positive and negative feelings. Everyone agreed there are. After all, many of us have great difficulty accepting the so-called negative feelings – anger, sadness, grief – especially anger. We prefer “positive feelings” joy, happiness, enthusiasm.

 But what if it turns out there are no positive or negative feelings. I prefer to think of feelings as pleasant or unpleasant; comfortable or uncomfortable; easy or hard. The more we can accept our feelings the easier it becomes to accept ourselves. And self-acceptance is the key to healing our wounds and feeling good about ourselves and our lives.